Dream of Persistence

What was the farthest you've ever fallen? And what was scarier: the fall itself, or the damage done after you crash-landed?

Failure is an inherit part of the Human Condition. To avoid failure is like trying to avoid sleep or the need to cough. So if failure is stitched into our very existence, why do we as a civilization go out of our way to ridicule or punish those of us who fail?

Maybe it's the cultural woship of success or the idea of success that pushes us to shun those who miss the marks we set. I know I did. Growing up in an upper-middle class home where are achievements were constantly put on display coded me to base my worth as a human being on the heights of the ladders I climbed.

And I climbed so high. High school honor roll, Ivy League educations, internships, creative awards: every title under my belt another justification of my right to life.

But then I hit a wall, personally and professionally. Instead of improving myself to reach the next level in my career, I turned to drugs and alcohol to soothe my emotional pain. It took nearly a decade of wasting my time wandering from bad situation to worse before a mental breakdown put me in an in-patient psychiatric facility for eight days.

When I was released, I had no job, no money, and I was living back home with my parents. I truly felt worthless. It was at that point-- my rock-bottom-- where I made a conscious decision to find a new way to view myself. Every setback I faced was due to my inability to realistically view my place in the world. I was stuck in a delusion of performance and external measures of worth, and that delusion nearly killed me.

That was a year ago. Today, I am proud to say that I am in a much better place in every aspect of my life. While I am still looking for consistent work, making the transition into software development has been a rewarding and intellectually stimulating path that has allowed me a chance to build myself up and meet great people.

I've also reconnected with my spiritual side and place my faith in the greater processes of the Universe rather than my own hands. Although my ego and pride remain constant thorns, I draw peace from the gift that is Life itself.

In the Tao Te Ching, Laozi poses the questions: "What is more destructive: success or failure?" It is with the benefit of hindsight that I realize my worship of success set me on the road to internal and external destruction. But it was in that dramatic failure that corrected my mindset and allowed me to find a healthier way to achieve.

To me the lesson is this: Success and Failure are not things to be chased or avoided, but two scales meant to balance each other out so that we can live balanced lives. I don't know how far you've fallen. Maybe you're still falling. But I hope that you're able to achieve peace in your time.

It's only when we let go of the things we think we need that we can hold on to what we truly need.

Best of luck to you!